How are you today?

I am going to stick my neck out here and say that I loathe the expression, 'How are you today?'

I'm not trying to be rude, and almost no one I know get's it when I say this, but I've had it with that those four little words. I'll give you some explanation and maybe, just maybe, someone else will think, 'I know what she means!'

There is nothing wrong with being polite, cordial, pleasant and so on. When an appropriate occasion arises, I will belt out 'Hello!', 'Hi', whatever. I like being friendly and if I have made some kind of eye contact with you when walking by, you can be assured of a greeting. Sometimes, a simple smile or nod will do the trick and no words are necessary.

It worked for me, as such, for almost three decades. I had this social exchange mastered, or so I thought, until I moved to the U.S. From day one in The South, everything I knew and felt comfortable with was turned on its head. The first time someone said, 'How are you today?' I was left a bit bamboozled. We were striding at great pace in opposite directions, without eye contact, occupying the same plane for mere nanoseconds. It could be argued that no pleasantry of any kind was even warranted. 'Hold up!' I thought, 'This person asked me a question.' It was definitely me they were talking to because no one else was around. I stopped, looked back, but they were gone! They hadn't waited for their answer.

I puzzled as to why a smile, a nod, a 'Hi' were not enough. Those four words, spat out like bullets, left me side-swiped.

This act was repeated regularly in days that followed, until I realized that everyone was at it! It was a deep rooted ritual and I had to learn how to join in! Now, if you are from here, it probably doesn't even phase you to go through the motions as directed by the rule or play book in operation in these parts. I, however, was left fumbling!

If, upon being asked the four-worded-question, I should reply and repeat said question, the person would be long gone leaving me to mutter into thin air.

If I omitted my reply and just belted out the cordial enquiry to them, I felt as though I was breaking the format of language and social graces as I understood them to be: a question requires and answer etc.

Should I say nothing at all? After all, most times, they are not even around to listen? Well, that would still leave me feeling strange about our dialogue.

How do I do it then? After almost ten years of this ridiculous exchange, which isn't really an exchange at all in fact (an exchange would be to imply that something was given and received) I simply wing it. Sometimes I blurt with the rest of the population; sometimes I ad lib and sometimes folks, I am silent! It is in my silence, or my small modifications of the ritual, that even more absurdities emerge!

For example, I have been asked the dreaded question and simply replied, 'Fine thank you', feeling like that would suffice. Over my shoulder, I hear those same words echoing back from the person who had obviously thought I had asked them the same question, when indeed I had not.

Now the first time this happened, I chalked it up to a lazy mishap, and moved on; but let me tell you, in all seriousness, these mishaps are happening all over the place! It's an epidemic.

The mishaps occur in the 'passing' interchanges as described; but also with cashiers who are right there and so, you would assume, able to pay closer attention. Just a few days ago, the mean streak in me wanted to point out to some poor little thing, that she had given a reply to a question that was never asked. (I refrained, incase you are wondering.)

Well, there it is! My vent about the plague of over-used, tedious words that sub as a real greeting. I feel better for getting that off my chest. Until the next time it happens, of course!